cookin' cat

from here. this is an old but funny as hell usenet post and flame war

How to make Tamales...
A recipie.


How long has it been, since you had a rich, steaming plate of tamales? Remember how delicious tamales are? NO ONE can resist a well-garnished plate of REAL tamales, after all.

Well, no longer will you have to wait around until you can afford to visit an expensive restraunt which serves such a delicasy. I'll share with you the easy recipie for making your own REAL TAMALES, right at home!

The first thing you need, is some real tamale meat. Some folks will tell you to use beef, or chicken - this is a mistake!

RULE ONE - you can't make a REAL tamale,
without catmeat. Cat; it's the
"other" red meat.



This is how to obtain fine tamale meats:

_._
.-'.\ `.
/` ./\__| "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."
| ./\~()\()
\ \_ _) (\
\/ //\ //_
_/\ `-/\_ (\(((\
/ \ \ / / \ \___/
/ \/\/\/ \ / /
/ \ /_ \/ /
| | \/ \ / _.-"
| | ; |\___/ __..--' "Meow?"
| | : | __..--""
| |/ : \| /\/\ (
| | : | )oo )_____)
\__|____:___| ="= )
_/ \) | //>>-.//\
\\_ /\_ \ | (/ \) \)\)
(U[_| \ |
\||> | |
|| / |
|| / |
/ / |
/____/|___|
| : :\|: :\
\ ___\ ___| jro
`-.-'`---'

For cat hunting, I reccomend a Webley-Fosbury, naturally. Any common .22 or shotgun will do just swell, however. If you live in some Third World country which doesn't suffer it's population to own firearms, a basic club or rock will suffice...

__..\/
/\ \ \\
/_/\_.___\ "Now, if you are planning a feast,
/\\~()\()~/\ you might need a dozen of these
\_ _) _/ bastards. But they're common, and
\ //\\/ incredibly stupid! A simple call
_/\ __ /\_ will attract them right into your
/ \ \ / / \ killzone, where they can be easily
/ \/\/\/ \ dispatched by a bullet, or a
/ \ /_ \________ mere blow to the head."
| | \/ \ | \\
| | ; |\______|_/|/
| | : | ||
| |/ : \| ||
| | : | / \
\__|____:___| / \
_/ \) | //| |\\
\\_ /\_ | | "" | | ""
(U[_| | | //\/\\
\|| | | /| xx |\
||| | | ""=\_o/=""
||| | | U
| | |
|____|___|
|: :||: :\
\ ___\ ___| jro
`-.-'`---'




__..\/ "A lot of people ask me,
/\ \ \\ 'John, where do you find
/_/\_.___\ all those great cats for
/\\~()\()~/\ tamales?' Well..."
\_ _) _/
\ //\\/
/))) __/\ __ /\__ (((\
/ |/) / \ \ / / \ (\| \
\___/ / \/\/\/ \ \___/
\ \/ \ / \/ /
\ / \/ __\ /
\ /| ; \ /
\__/ | : |\___/
| : |
JRO


"Like most common pests, you can find them just about anywhere. The streets and alleys abound with the things. Sometimes, one may even walk into your own yard. In your neighborhood, there __..\/ may also be people who keep the
/\ \ \\ varmits, as "pets". The trick
/_/\_.___\ here, is to lure the creature
/\~()/()~//\ outside - where you can bag it.
\_ (_ _/ Don't feel bad about doing this;
\ //\\ / /) you will actually be
__/\ __ /\__ (\/((\ doing the "owner" a
/ \ \ / / \ \___/ favor! The beasts
/ \/\/\/ \ / / are known to shed
/ \ / \/ / DISEASES in their feces,
| | \/ __\ / / which small children can
| | ; \ / fall victim to. Since cat
| | : |\___/ owners never clean up a
| | : | cat's droppings, this is
| |/ : \| a serious health problem."
jro

"If you suspect that someone you know may be a cat
__..\/ owner, this can be easily verified.
/\ \ \\ Just visit their home. You may not
/_/\_.___\ SEE the cat, but you will certianly
/\\~()\()~/\ SMELL the cat's fecal material. Do
\_ _) _/ not be surprised if you find some
\ //\\/ of the cat's droppings visible on
__/\ __ /\__ the floor, furniture, beds, and in
/ \ \ / / \ a box which most owners keep in
/ \/\/\/ \ their kitchens, believing the cat
/ \ / \ should be encouraged to relieve
| | \/ __| | itself, there. If you have an
| | ; | | opportunity, take the cat and
| | : | | leave. If this is impractical,
| |/ : \| | keep watch on the owner's house,
jro because sooner or later they
will let it out for a time, and
you can then acquire it's meat."

A good-sized adult cat, when skinned out, should have enough meat on it's bones to make a six or eight tamales. Smaller cats and the immature kittens (often sought for their tenderness), won't yield quite as much meat, so adjust the number you will need, accordingly.
Maybe you have a commerical source of pre-packaged cat. Let me suggest, however, that you kill and butcher your own. Skinning cat isn't as much of an ordeal as you may think. First, lop off the head, and discard it. It contains no usable meat, and the brain of a cat is too small to bother with. Believe me, it would take many, many cats, just to make a small pan of brains and eggs!
(\(\
(\ /)///_
\\_//.-\ )____
|_ / .-'-----'
___ (_)_.-'
=/ o \=
( x_x )
\/ \/

The next thing you want to remove, is the tail. This should also be discarded...
_ __
( ( \
/ / |
/ / /
\ \ \
-./_/ \ _.---._
\ _.-'_.-'-._`-.
| \.-' `-'
______/


Get rid of the feet, next...

\ \
\.--.|
`---'
.---.
.`--'(_
`-.__;;;

You may then make a longitudal incision on the cat's abdomen. Reach into the body cavity, and remove all of the internal organs. Discard them; especially the liver, which is frequently toxic in domestic cats. In any event, it is quite inedible. There are no organ meats in cat.
The Swedish make a practice of eating cat genitalia, and although they may relish these portions, I would not suggest you try it. Mad Cat Disease has definately been linked to the eating of cat reproductive organs.

|____|
/ \
/ _ /
| / \)
\_)) )
( _))_) _ _
_ __ )) (( / / |
\ \ \ (_)-'_) / / /
\ \ \ (_( )) \ \ \
|_| |_ (_(( /_/ \
.' | \`.((_).' \
/ |
`.___________________/

At this point, you can now "skin" the meat. This is accomplished by grabbing the loose skin around where the head was removed, and pulling it back. Use a pair of pliers, if necessary, but try not to resort to using a knife in places where you have trouble. With a little practice, you should be able to peel the cat's skin back, and continue the process until you have rolled it completely off the body.

__..\/
/\ \ \\
/_/\_.___\ "Some gourmets will tell you to start
/\~()/()~//\ skinning from the open abdominal area.
\_ (_ _/ I advise against this; it is the cruder
\ //\\ / method, and you will definately have to
__/\ __ /\__ use your knife at some point to finish up.
/ \ \ / / \ There may be more than one way to skin a
/ \/\/\/ \ cat, but there is only one way to do it
/ \ / \ properly, and elegantly. After you've
| | \/ __| | skinned a few cats my way, I'm certain
| | ; | | you'll agree that it IS the best method.
| | : | |


Now that you have your cat skinned, gutted, and trimmed of extraneous limbs and the head, it's time to wash the meat. If you skinned the cat properly, there should be no hair remaining on the meat. Nevertheless, you should wash it carefully, to make sure there are no stray hairs.

For best results you should soak your cat in salt water, for at least an hour. If you have guests coming and are pressed for time, you can skip over this step. If you add a little extra seasoning to your cat in the cooking process, even a true connosiuer shouldn't be able to recognize that you skipped over the soaking process.


__________
( )
\ /
\ / "Okay, now that we've got that little
|______| chore out of the way, let's START
/_/\_.___\ COOKING!... First, we're going to
/\\~()\()~/\ flense the meat from the bones. We're
/| \_ _) _/ making tamales, remember! If this dish
/ / \ //\\/ was to be baked cat, you could just toss
_/_/ __/\ __ /\__ the beast in the oven at 350 degrees, and
(/.(\ / \__/ / \ sit back and wait for a couple of hours.
(o/_/ / o/ \ But what we need is bone-free cat strips,
\ \/ | \ to toss right into the frying pan..."
\ / | |
\ /| o| | |
\__/ | | | |
| | | |
JRO

_____
.-"" ""-.
.' _.-----._ `.
/ .'. `::,`:`. \_______________________
/ :: ::; `;:' .::' \ (_) \
| .::'.: `:::. :. |_____________________/
| ::. .::':: .:' /|
|\ .:: ::: .::' / | "Fill your frying pan up with the catmeat,
\ `. :;. ::. .' / to which you should add 1 cup of Mexican-
\ `.__________.' / style chili sauce, 2 cloves of garlic, and
`-. .-' 1 tablespoon of crushed cumin seeds. Add
`-.______.-' jro chile powder, and salt and pepper, to taste.
Fry at a medium-high temperature in a little
cooking oil, stirring occasionally. After ten or fifteen minutes, add 1 cup of water, reduce heat, and simmer."

"Meanwhile, place 3 cups of cornmeal in a mixing bowl. Add 1/4 cup of butter, 1/4 cup of lard, 1 teaspoon of baking powder, and 1/2 a teaspoon of salt. Mix well.

[A note about lard: Lard tastes much better than vegetable grease, but if you are a disgusting wide-body, you better just use Crisco, or a similar product.]

To this, add one and a half cups of chicken or cat broth. Beat until you have a light, soft dough."



__________
( )
\ / "Now take a small ball of your dough mixture,
\ / and spread it out on a corn husk. Remember
|______| to pre-soak your corn husks for an hour or
/_/\_.___\ two, so they will be soft and easy to roll.
/\\~()\()~/\ If you don't have any corn husks, you can use
\_ _) _/ _ aluminum foil, in 4x4 inch squares."
\ //\\/ _(_)
__/\ __ /\__ /\\\\
/ \__/ / \ |___/
/ o/ \ / /
/ | \/ /
| | | \ /
| | o| |\ /
| | | | `--'
| | | |
JRO

.-'"""""`-. "Spread at least a tablespoon
.-'.-' .-' .-' full of your filling down the
.-' .-' .-'.-' center of your dough. Then roll
.-'.-' .-' .-' the whole thing up, tucking in the
.-' .-'.-'.-' ends of the corn husk, so it stays
.-'.-' .-'.-' together. It should look about like
.-'.-' .-' .-' this."
`-._____.-'






) ( )
( ___ ( "When you have 12 to 18 tamales ready
) ( __(___)__ ( ( to cook, steam them over boiling
__..--"" ""--..__ ) water, for about two hours."
|_________________________| )
| |___________________
( | |__)________________)
)| | )
_\_______________________/_ (
| |
| |__________________
| |__________________)
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
`-._____________________.-'




__________
( ) "Garnish with a little lettuce,
\ / spread a little salsa over the
\ / top, and they're ready to serve!"
|______|
/_/\_.___\
/\\~()\()~/\
\_ _) _/
\ //\\/
__/\ __ /\__
/ \__/ / \
/ o/ \
/ | || \
\ \ |/ /
\ \_...---.../_
_.-"" __________""-.
.' .'.' / / / / / /\ `.`._
`. :: ()()()()()/ / :: `.
`.`. ()()()()()()/ .'.'_.'
`-.______________.-' jro




__..\/
/\ \ \\
/_/\_.___\
/\\~()\()~/\ "BON APPERTITE!"
\_ _) _/
\ //\\/
_/\ __ /\_
/ \ \ / / \
/ \/\/\/ \
/ \ /_ \________
| | \/ \ | \\
| | ; |\______|_/|/
| | : | ||
| |/ : \| ||
| | : | / \
\__|____:___| / \
_/ \) | //| |\\
\\_ /\_ | | "" | | ""
(U[_| | | //\/\\
\|| | | /| xx |\
||| | | ""=\_o/=""
||| | | U
| | |
|____|___| ((\ /\/\.----._
jro |: :||: :\ /)(\ /// ( xx ) `-.___
\ ___\ ___| \\//.-\ )\o_/ \\---\\'----'
`-.-'`---' _| \ .-'--U--' \) (/
`-\__.-'-----./\/\
=/ o\=\ )__\\( xx
( xx ) \\ ///`-U'
\/\/ (/(/|)


--
Jonathon R. Oglesbee
oglesbee@
mail.fullnet.net